After over a year of chronic nausea (and other hellish symptoms) I finally have my diagnosis. It’s scientifically proven by DNA testing–it’s not just in my head. The reason I emphasize “scientifically proven,” is because having the lab results confirm for me the cause of symptoms I’ve wondered and researched about for so long is extremely significant to me. H. Pylori bacterial infection, amount: high. This would explain my symptoms, even the anxiety and depression, to an extent. Of course, with anything in the body there is usually an emotional component and there most certainly is with me. Thanks be to God for an answer. It’s not all in my head. It’s not just anxiety. So there.
But what now? So I’m on my round of treatment–natural antibiotics, non-pharmaceutical because pharmaceuticals are toxic and can cause more harm than good. However, at this stage, if I do not see much improvement, and I mean soon, I will go that route because as one doctor (out of many I’ve communicated with) has told me, “you don’t want to screw around with h.pylori.” And it’s true. I fear what it can become…(please God don’t let this get worse.)
Christ says, have no fear. I know that. But when fear has been the dominant emotion of your 25 years of life, it is very, very hard to break that wall. But I believe in the God of Healing. I believe in the God of Healing. I repeat to myself. I say The Jesus Prayer: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon me, a sinner.
I mostly wonder what God’s plan is for me. Why hasn’t he just taken my life already? For some reason he wants me alive, still. What is the purpose of my life of suffering? Yes, God has been so merciful to me in so many ways, but I can’t say in all honesty that I’ve ever been “healthy” or completely functional. If I am healed, when I am healed, will I go on to become some great doctor or counselor who helps other people who are suffering in the ways that I have? Perhaps my purpose is to simply be me.